It took me years of dedicated unlearning, learning, and restoring my spirit to be able to stand in my true essence and reclaim my power as a Woman Shaman to guide other women to their healing. My deep love for life helps me every day, to help others to find the strength and power they need to dance with life.
I am a woman who chose to believe in the power of the Universe and make extraordinary decisions based on it. I was able to use my life’s struggles- physical & emotional illnesses, near death situations and ancestral trauma to transform them into the strength and power that drives me today. Because I have walked the path, I can teach you how you can transform your life and build the life you truly desire!
Why drown in the pain of your grandmother or great grandparents when you can heal the wound, restore your heart connections, stand in your power, and live the life you truly deserve! I have seen the suffering of depression, soul loss, sleep problems and Ancestral trauma all my life and I hope my story gives you strength and hope.
Childhood in Kerala, India
I have experienced a multidimensional reality for as long as I can remember. I am taking you on a journey to Kerala, South India in the 1980's. I grew up in a big joint family in Southern Kerala. There was always the smell of spices, incense, jasmine, sandal wood, tropical fruits, Ayurveda soul food, oh not to forget the smell of South Indian coffee & herbs lingering in our family home. Even though there were Shamans in my lineage, we do not use the word Shaman in India, we use the world priest/priestess or oracle. While growing up, I didn't even know the word Shaman or there were many people like me in different parts of the world, in different cultures and countries who were bridges between the spirit world and the human world.
My great grandfather was a practicing Shaman who also worked as a bodyguard for the king of Travancore, it seems he was King's favourite bodyguard. We grew up hearing about his superpowers and connections in the spirit world. Both my parent’s families worshiped the Mother Goddess Shakti - Durga in her many forms. Prayer, chanting, spiritual sadhana's including rituals & fasting was deeply embedded in my upbringing. India was becoming a modern India and without exception that pressure was there in my family as well. I was proudly sent to a Catholic Convent school in the city to make sure I will be presentable, and learn all the skills to function in the modern world. I am grateful for being able to communicate in English and now in Dutch fluently; helps to avoid mediators in between.
Diseases, Quarantine life & Near-death experiences
When I was around seven years old, I started actively connecting with the Spirit world - mostly during dream and sleep time, it was also extremely demanding and challenging to stay in my mental - emotional balance as I was also physically ill, the first ten years of my life. I am a child who spent more time in hospitals than at home during childhood. So naturally most of my learnings about life, sickness and death came from those days & weeks, spent in the solitude of hospital dormitories and quarantines. I am a child who no one thought would grow older than ten. From Tuberculosis to Malaria to many other diseases, my body went from one suffering to another till my miraculous healing after the age of ten. Looking back, every wound was a blessing, every suffering brought me wisdom. I value life deeply now also because of my past experiences.
Seeing Spirits everywhere
My spiritual studies along with various self-studies & experiments with traditional ways of plant healing, energy healing and reading and learning about many modalities including Ayurveda, is how I spend most of my holidays.
I am deeply grateful to my father for giving me a strong foundation in yoga, mantra chanting and meditation from a very young age, he calls me a - miracle child of Yoga, Mantra & Bhakti yoga as he believes this helped my mother to carry me full time, when the doctor had advised my parents to end the pregnancy, as there was something unhealthy and even abnormal about the whole pregnancy. My mother has a strong connection to Goddess Durga and Mother Mary & she believes I was saved by the great Goddesses. I believe them both.
But who were these people/ spirits in my vision? Why do I see them? Who are they? Nightmares and journeys filled my active sleep and dream time. Moving in and out of worlds, I had no one who could help me understand what was happening to me.
I was terrified to fall asleep; became extremely anxious in the dark. I heard too many voices. I saw too much in the dark. Later when I grew up, I became the girl with the '' clear vision ''. It was more like a freak show to others, often asking me to tell stories about ghosts. I tried hard to fit in. Often feeling miserable and even lonely in the company of my friends.
Empathy is my Superpower
I heard a voice inside me say- You are here to bring healing to the heart.
This kept me alive, this gave me some hope.
Being bullied at home and school made my daily life miserable.
What am I doing wrong?
Why this much pain in me?
Am I a bad person?
Do I have bad Karma?
Why am I so ugly?
Why do I look different than everyone?
Seeing visions & past lives of my Ancestors in South East Asia
Decided I should be a Buddhist monk
Grandma & I
I drifted further away from everyone in my life except for my grandmother and my God father. My grandma saw me for who I am , and I saw my grandma for who she is. For everyone else I was a troubled girl. For everyone else my grandma - ammuma was a mentally ill woman. We shared and still share a magical bond.
No boundaries; serving from an empty cup
Born a rebel, the regressive ways towards women in my society triggered many ancestral wounds within me from the very beginning. Any kind of injustice, abuse to girls/ women made me violent. I was the go to person if anyone in my big family or friends had a problem /heart ache. My voluntary coaching job also started when I was just a child. But I had no idea about boundaries, nor did I know I was serving others from an empty cup. I would sit and console others, apply medicine on their wounds while I was bleeding inside and needed to heal myself. But it felt like I had no choice, but to be there for them first.
Visit to the Psychiatrist
I know there are many great doctors & scientists out there. But I knew this was not the medicine I needed. There is no way I was going to allow myself to be drugged like my grandmother. I knew there was something inside me that was sacred, something which is unbeaten and unstruck. I always knew this truth, but somehow could not access this essence because my heart was bleeding. Now time has come to stand up and fight for my life and dreams.
That day I ran as fast as my legs could take me and threatened to run away from home or kill myself if they insisted. (I am not the kind of a girl child Indian parents wish to have) Great respect to my dear parents for not pushing me into the hands of psychiatry.
Choosing LIFE above everything else; searching for my own medicine
I wanted to LIVE, live from my TRUTH.
I wanted to know myself.
Who am I?
What have I come here to do?
What is truth?
Why do I see these other worlds?
What does that have to do with my life?
How can I heal my heart?
That was the starting of a different journey.
Mother Goddess appeared
That was the starting of a different journey altogether.
Mother Kali started moving me from the inside. Slowly, I was able to put many pieces together. The biggest turning point in my healing journey came when I was guided to work with the wounds of my Ancestors.
Healing Mind - Body connection
Ancestral Trauma Healing
My God father commits suicide
The only other person that my grandma I had a deep soul connection with was one of my mother’s brothers – my dear uncle, my God father. To my uncle – I was a gifted child. He was a deeply troubled man, nightmares and hallucinations haunted him, but to me he was like a father.
When I lost him, I was guilty and angry.
I could not find anything to stop his suffering and I couldn't stop his death, even when I had a vision about his death and also informed family, but sadly their response was too late. We lost him. I was angry but I could soon transform my pain into power.
I started focusing more on finding some kind of healing for Depression.
I did many studies during this time. Certifications in Yoga, Energy healing, Ayurveda, along with my Master's degree.
Fast forwarding to Life in Mumbai
Awakening of Shakti - Feminine strength
Homeless; living out of my bag but happy in Mumbai working as a Volunteer for an Ngo
Best decision I made.
Meeting Jorge - True love exists
We worked together as volunteers in an Ngo in Mumbai for street children.
I never met a more honest, beautiful, loving, compassionate and a courageous man. My decision was easy! I warned him about the truth about me. He calmly looked into my eyes and said - I am not afraid to be in love with a Shaman woman. It was the end of that discussion.
My search took me to monasteries, forests, ashrams, ghats, mountains, valley's and into many world's. Travelled all over the Indian sub-continent from the borders of China, Nepal to SriLanka.
Living in Himalayan villages. Spending hours in silence and meditation.
Some of the best years - Fell in love with my Motherland - India.
Seeing my father in a pool of blood; almost dying in my arms
This day changed me forever.
I saw the ‘’Divine’’ that day. It was time for rebirth; Finally, I realized, what & who I was running away from was - myself. I am a Shaman and no matter how much I try to choose a different life – This is my dharma; this is what I have come here for.
No more running away.
My Shamanic work started taking over my life in many ways.
Got married to the great love of my life; Rising of Shakti from within; a deeply spiritual connection
12 years ago, I moved to the Netherlands with him to start a family, now we are a small family of three.
Life tested me again; My hips fell apart; Doctors advised to look for a wheelchair; My Promise to my son
I understood this was happening as I was hiding again and running away from my dharma as a Shaman.
Here I was in a foreign country, being tested again. With a newborn baby in my arms, no family here, hardly any friends, I knew I must get back up, dive back into my sadhana deeper than ever, go look for my own medicine again to help my body heal and more than anything walk out of my own shadow, so my body can heal.
I promised my son that I will do everything in my power to be the mother he deserves, a mother who can care for him without being in constant pain, a mother with whom he can run and play, a mother with whom he can climb mountains and make great travels.
Mother Kali appears'' When the spirit calls, Shaman goes. When the shaman calls, the spirit comes''
My physical body healed again. Travelled to 16 + countries with my little boy, carrying him on my back. Yes, yes!! prayers work!
Lost my Grandma in her physical form; her guidance from the Spirit world; Final pieces needed for my Unique Shamanic practice comes together
She suffered her whole life because of depression and the side effects of harsh medicines gave her a massive stroke and this killed her eventually.
The day she left her physical body, I was finally ready with ‘ Mind Healing ’ - The unique way I am guided to access the energy system.
Great grandfather & other Shamanic ancestors from Vietnam and China steps in to train me
This is a whole book in itself, in one word - '' Gratitude, only gratitude'' .
Mother Durga appears Bhagavathi's presence everywhere I turn. The great dance of life begins
Who am I to offer this service to the world? I am only a simple Dravidian woman, I have not learned to be a doctor, what I know does not come from books and courses. I did not feel ready as yet. I felt I should do more, learn more with my spirit masters.
Coming out of the closet as a Shaman woman in The Netherlands
I met a Dutch woman through a friend,during our conversation, she told me about her life, and said both she and her husband are depressed. That night I asked myself - Are you going to step up and do what you are best at doing, help this woman and her family? or are you afraid of people's judgements and let them suffer? Are you going to wait longer to embrace your dharma and dedicate your life to this sadhana?
Now the whole world knows what I decided that night.
Thank you for giving me your valuable time, thank you for reading my story. I want you to remember - It is not a coincidence that you read my story. If I can find my healing medicine, rise from the ashes, you can too. Reach out to yourself, embrace yourself, you deserve to have a beautiful life.
Namaste! Love from my heart to yours,